Our Story with Infertility.

           This blog is a bit long I know. You can read it or not...  I just wanted to write this blog because it is part of my story and this was and has been a very vulnerable part of my life and I want to be able to look back with my child in my arms and remember what the journey was that brought us to where we end up.  

          Brandon and I were married nearly 5 years ago. After 2 years we decided to stop birth control and start trying to make a family. After one year with no success we decided to get things checked out. Brandon got checked out and of course was A OKAY! I've never been a "regular" gal and they put me through a loooot of testing. Dye tests to make sure the tubes were open...check. DNC to thin out the lining of my too thick uterus....check. glucose test...check. I was born with a genetic disorder so we also did genetic testing to see if/how that impacted us getting pregnant. After about 6 months of testing and procedures it was determined I am/have PCO or PCOS. Meaning I have cysts on my ovaries. There are follicles that once "aunt flo" has visited they measure 4's, 5's and 6's generally. Normally women at this point their follicles get bigger and then the day comes where they ovulate! the follicle bursts and the fluid that built up in the follicle around the egg carries it to meet the sperm and if they time things right...they get pregnant! For some reason my body rarely ovulates.
             So in July Brandon and I decided to do our first round of infertility treatment!  I was SOOOO excited! I started my "cycle" and started on a medicine called Femara for 5 days which tells the follicles to grow!  A few days later I went in for an ultrasound and they had grown to 8's 9's and 10's--get labs! 2 days later i went in again and they were 12's and 13's--labs. 2 days later I went in and we finally had ONE follicle at a 16 which is the MAGIC number--labs! That day I was given a trigger shot to tell my body to release the egg! (ovulate) We wanted things to feel as natural as possible so we chose timed intercourse. It was exhausting. Even for me as a Pure Romance consultant I can say when you HAVE to it's just never as fun and it's difficult to keep things spiced up. It really took a roll on our day to day, emotions and marriage. Physically and Emotionally just exhausting. 4-5 days after the trigger shot I came back in for another ultrasound and labs to see if I had ovulated. Ultrasounds appeared as though I hadn't but blood work always has definite yes or no answers. The next day they called me with results that I had in fact ovulated! what a relief that call was! Then I was to wait 2 weeks and at that point I would go in for pregnancy labs. July 16 I took the labs and on July 17 Brandon's birthday I got a call from the nurse that we were pregnant but the number was low so I needed to come in the next day and do more labs and she told me we needed that number to increase!

                I was stunned. I was PREGNANT! Tears flooded my eyes as I was driving. I was on my way home from a hair appt and passed my home and stopped at Party City. I picked up blue and pink balloons and bought a green baby bottle weight for the balloons. I came home and put them right in front of Brandon. He didn't get it....
               I just looked at him with my big brown eyes and looked at the balloons and then back at him and he finally got it and looked at me and said "You're PREGNANT?!?!" I smiled and burst into tears. We hugged and cried together SOOO excited to share this JOY we'd been longing for. We told our closest friends and family that night at his birthday party and the next day I went in for labs knowing that number would be higher.  Brandon in the past has always seen what husbands do for their pregnant ladies like rubbing their feet and being the "can you get this and that and the other" kind of guy. But from the moment we found out he was EXACTLY like that! Take care of our baby he would say :) If I needed anything he was MORE than willing to get it for me.  The next day I missed the call with my results and then didn't get a callback until almost 6pm. Time moved so slow that day with me just LONGING to hear the higher number.

               My phone died and once I charged it I finally got the voicemail. The number dropped and I was no longer pregnant.   My heart sank. My eyes flooded with tears again. And...how was I going to tell Brandon...and our friends and family we had told???  I told Brandon and we just held each other and cried. I couldn't bare to tell my friends and family so I sent text messages because I knew I would simply be sobbing and unable to get the words out. Everyone wanted to be there for us but there was nothing anyone could do. We needed to be able to mourn. The though just kept flooding through my mind. "We made a baby and we never get to meet him/her" I would say this to Brandon and we would weep again.  I didn't know how to deal with anything else for at least a week. I didn't want to talk to anyone but Brandon...be with anyone BUT Brandon. We leaned into each other and into God. Crying. Holding each other. and crying some more. I had often wondered...Why don't more women talk about miscarriage so other people don't feel so alone? and the truth is...it's because it hurts too deeply. I heard it all....."at least you only knew for two days" --"at least you did'n't have time to get attached" Let me tell you something....the moment you find out you're pregnant. You're ATTACHED. And the heartbreak doesn't hurt any less. The best thing anyone said to me was "There's nothing I can say to help but I'm praying for you"

            About a week or so later my mom had a mini rose bush sent to our house. I don't know why or how but it settled me. I felt like in some odd way this was my baby living on even after moving on to be with their creator. This was a new creation....not in the sense of "reincarnation" or anything but a symbol of life. So we planted it in a potted plant and I pruned it day after day and week after week. and I can honestly tell you that this week there are 4 left dying and I'm sure it'll come back again next year but I can't begin to say how much it helped me move forward.

              We took a month off to recoup and decided to try again in September. Same medications and ultrasounds and labs except my follicles weren't progressing as quickly as they'd hoped so they gave me shots....4-6 shots that totaled about $800--but I didn't pay a dime for those. The drug reps had brought some and they gave them to me. I felt SO blessed to be given those meds! We did the cycle of infertility medications and waited 2 weeks and did pregnancy labs but it didn't work. Trust me when I say I was disappointed! BUT I wasn't distraught. I wasn't emotionally wounded or hurt or anything. I would MUCH rather have rounds of infertility showing no pregnancies than find out we made a baby we didn't get to meet. One day we will little one. One day <3

            After this cycle I was worn out. Tired of being pricked and prodded.  So we took off Oct and Nov and struggled due to the government shutdown. My birthday and Thanksgiving came about and it was SO nice but also hard being with family for the holidays. In my mind I thought....I would have been about 6 months pregnant right now and we would all be celebrating the life of a little one soon to come!  And then December rolled around and I found out my best friend was pregnant! She called to tell me and deep down I was happy for her but it was so burried with the pain and desire for my own I could find the right words but my pain shined through my tone. The worst part was knowing she could tell my tone and that I didn't SOUND as excited as I felt like she deserved for me to be.  She was so sweet. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a genuine person and a TERRIBLE liar and don't hide my emotions well. The next day we talked and she told me Rose I want you to be HONEST with me. It's okay for you to feel hurt or even angry! Just be honest. She had researched "how to tell your friend who's dealing with infertility your pregnant" We both cried. As happy as I was and AM for her it just hurt so badly to want it SO much for Brandon and I.  She told me she's praying we can be pregnant together and my heart leaped! YES! That's what I want! I want my baby! and how cool if we did have them close together!
(bare with me if you're still reading I'm almost done)

I told Brandon. We just HAVE to do another cycle! I don't care if I don't get anything for Christmas. This is ALL that I want.  After sorting out some details with the New Hope Center where I get my treatments we started a cycle! Round 3. Third times a charm right? My last ultrasound was wednesday and my largest follicle was a 10.5. again the MAGIC number is 16! So they gave me more shots but these more expensive and tend to work better again ---drug rep samples so FREE to me. I didn't have to pay. I've had great nurses and dr's and God's favor for sure! Tomorrow(well today now that it's 3:30am) I'll have my 3rd  ultrasound in a week and a half. My appt is at 9:40am and I'm praying for a 16 or higher! :)

I'll update for sure.

Goodnight <3